What are you up to Lord?

Man.  We really have been in a whirlwind of busy-ness and trying to discern where God is directing us lately.  Our adoption application still sits on our table.  It is filled out but we now realize that this "urgency" and "preparation" still needs to be measured by timing.  God's timing.  It dawned on me the other day after talking to a friend that urgency and timing do not necessarily relate.  And the urgency we feel IS leading us to prepare...but the timing for it to come to completion seems so off.  Every door that seemed to be standing open has closed and now we see the bigger picture of WHY we felt urgency.  If we hadn't, we would still be cruising along thinking, "in a few years..." but now we are getting ready knowing that it could be THIS year and that things have to change for us to be fully ready.  Practically we have to get a larger vehicle, and a larger paycheck...as well as health insurance, life insurance, savings and a will.  We are now working diligently to trust God for these things in the right time.  There are other things that we have thought out that we might like to work towards now that we know what is required.  We have a list.  Of course we do...I make lists for EVERYTHING.

Spiritually, I feel God calling me to new levels of maturity and capability.  Normally that would make me think He is trying to prepare me for some really difficult times.  But I am starting to see God differently and now I just think I need to grow up in order to truly care for these mustard seeds..and the only way to do that is to take head to the things He is pricking my heart about.  Yes Lord, I hear you.  Yes, I feel that down deep.  Yes, I know that needs to change.  Mmmhmm I realize that is not going to be easy.  I need to give that up?  Okay.  Thankfully the year that He brought us through of having nothing...hardly ANY food in the pantry and fridge...no hope of paying more than rent for the month...no job for Ronnie looking promising...I now fully trust him.  Isn't it strange that I would need something SO drastic to make me REALLY see how good He is.  How faithful He is.  (You can read my note on FB called "God's faithfulness" to get a small picture of that season and all the ways He showed me he cared.) Well it was a hard year for sure...but I will never be able to fully articulate all that God did in my heart through that season.  I thought I DID trust Him...but it was tinged with doubt and the thought of "earning" His faithfulness....not AT ALL who our God really is.  And He showed me.  He didn't have to...but He did...and I think that alone changed everything for me.  So now I trust Him.  I trust you, Lord!  And now I see how much easier it is to walk into the NEXT season when I can fully trust and say "I KNOW my God is good".  He is good.  So giving things up and stepping out into areas of obedience seems exhilarating now.  Still a little scary...but the kind of scary right before you do something new and awesome for the first time.  Not the kind of scary when you don't know Who's hands REALLY hold you.  I know.  And so I WILL.

I'm not exactly sure WHAT I will.  But I will. =)  For two weeks now random things have been pricking my heart and I am starting to see the big picture of how God is molding and changing me.  It has to do with my kids and my home.  About being intentional with my children and family and time.  And about not letting my hands get idle.  (Proverbs 31:27)  There has been this recurring theme of Proverbs 31:27 popping up all over my life.  In blogs I read, in people's status, in quotes that catch my eye.  Even in my dreams.  I hear You, Lord.

Where do I put my time?  Some of it I waste...I admit it.  On being tired, on FB, on fiction books.  But most of it is spent wisely.  Mops, church, worship team, gym, prayer, Bible study...But still I feel God calling me to prune my time.  To make every moment intentional.  To really make this short season of my babies being babies, worth. every. second.  Not to wish it away so that I can sleep or stay in shape or find my "calling".  When you become a mom, THAT is your calling...and I truly believe there is NONE greater.  Yep, I must give up every ounce of selfishness in me.  YUCK.  I'm realizing those ounces are more like hundreds of POUNDS!  But God has called me to shepherd these little sheep...not survive until bedtime every night.  THRIVE until bedtime every night.  Teach them, love them, PLAY with them.  Have a messy house if it means we spent all day discovering the joys of picnics and mud and a donkey that talked.  This is intimidating for me.  I am not naturally a teacher.  I have a hard time coming up with ideas and activities that promote learning.  I can't STAND a messy house.  I say yes and commit to things before I think them through.  But now I have to start pruning that part of me.

Stretching out my tent-so to speak.  Widening my shoulders.  Getting ready for ALL that God has called us to.  It is so easy to be un-happy in the season I am in.  To wish for sleep and plenty of gym time.  To dream of the day I can pay attention in church, or actually pray in prayer.  But I'm a mommy right now.  I will be forever I guess, but NOW they soak up everything I say and do...or DON'T do.  Right now they need me for everything.  One day they wont.  I want to pour into them with INTENT.  I want to use this time wisely. 

Again, I'm not sure exactly what this means.  How it will come to pass practically.  But I am praying it through and listening to that voice.  Starting to weigh everything on my "plate" by the scale He is holding me to right now.  What do I give up and what do I take on?

I'm ready Lord.

In the beginning...

I've always wanted a big family.  Always.  Well, maybe not after I had my first child...but that's a whole other story...maybe for another day.  ;)

Last night we left our kids with our friend and headed to our first "real" step towards adoption.  Real.  Pro-active.  We were actually DOING something...which I have come to appreciate because adoption is FULL of waiting and not being able to actually DO anything.   Quite a helpless feeling actually. 

So there we were walking into a building, smiling at the security guard who tells us where to go, walking down the long hallway, hearing chatter from the room as we approach and then entering the room that would begin our journey.  A journey that has absolutely no maps or signs or clues as to how long it will take, what will REALLY be required of you, or how it will actually feel when you are at the finish line.   We don't know what to expect really so we smile at the two other couples and one lady who came without her husband.  We grab a bottle of water.  I meet Ashley who I have been playing phone tag with for what seems like ages.  Ronnie grabs some cookies as I take a seat and all of the sudden the screen is displaying children WE have inquired about.  The very ones we are waiting so anxiously to receive a reply from their case-worker.  The ones we have prayed about, cried about dreamed about.  Ronnie isn't looking at the screen and without a second thought I loudly gasp and say "Ronnie LOOK!"  All eyes are on us now and I realize how akward that must have been.  I quickly apologize and explain that we are inquiring about them and know them.  Every one smiles and in comes Ashley to begin our class. 

I thought I was there to get credit hours and hear things I already knew from the books and websites I have been pouring over.  But after seeing the children that have consumed our thoughts and prayers for months now, I realized this was going to be an emotional class for me.  And only me.....because no-one else in there (other than hubby) seemed effected by what we learned.   But I was deeply effected.  (Effected...Affected....?...I didn't pay attention in English class...hopefully that doesn't disqualify me from this)

The first thing that was said that caught me off guard and quickly opened the flood-gates that always seem so da-gum eager to overflow, was this: 

 "When adoption is complete, it is as if the birth parents never existed, they are removed from the birth certificate and your names are there instead."

WOW.  Even now,  I am crying.  Every time I think of that, I cry.  When I look at the birth certificates of each of my boys it is a reminder of the months I carried them in my body.  The sickness, the soreness and the scars that will be there forever.  The hours I WORKED to bring them into this world and the pain that came with it.  It is a reminder of how we fought for them.  How we worked as a team and experienced some of the most intimate times of togetherness.  And I know when we have the birth certificate of the children we bring into our home through adoption...it will remind me of the same things.  The same but different.  No, I didn't carry them in my body or feel the same kind of aches and pains...but we will have FOUGHT for them.  We will have labored many many hours, worried of the outcome, prepared our home for them,  and anxiously awaited them all the same.  It is just a sheet of paper, yes, but it means the world to me. 

I guess the second thing that really brought the tears to the surface was when they explained the backgrounds of these children.  The abuse and the neglect they experienced.  One case was of a little boy who was left in a play-pen for days on end.  He had little muscle strength and was way behind in every way possible because he had never been HELD or ROCKED or PLAYED WITH or SANG TO or TICKLED or FED.  And I thought about our little boys and how much LOVE they have had in their young lives.  Not just from us.  From grandparents, aunts, cousins...from our church families and friends...they are LOVED.  They feel it.  They count on it...and without knowing it they are forever changed because of it.  And to imagine them having to go through even a small time of not knowing that love.  Or feeling the comfort of someones arms around them as they pray for them and play with them.  It got me.  I can't think of any child out there going without that love.  These things make we want to take in every one of those children and smother them with all the love they have never had. 

***

Now I sit here filling out applications, signing up for classes, creating accounts for each of us on the social services website, planning a time to get fingerprinting done, finding CPR classes, inhaling books and writing book reports, calling and waiting for return calls. 

It's the beginning.  And there is hope for the end.  God is so so good.

Unsure of this...

I finally (after a year or two of thinking it through) decided to start a blog.  I'm not sure what is to come of it.  Will it be shared around the world?  Will I ever tell anyone about it?  I am not tech-savvy at all so this could be a waste of time.  But still...so many days have past that I have thought, "I wish i could share what is in my heart right now!"  So here I go. 

What is in my heart you ask?

Well today...my children.