Man. We really have been in a whirlwind of busy-ness and trying to discern where God is directing us lately. Our adoption application still sits on our table. It is filled out but we now realize that this "urgency" and "preparation" still needs to be measured by timing. God's timing. It dawned on me the other day after talking to a friend that urgency and timing do not necessarily relate. And the urgency we feel IS leading us to prepare...but the timing for it to come to completion seems so off. Every door that seemed to be standing open has closed and now we see the bigger picture of WHY we felt urgency. If we hadn't, we would still be cruising along thinking, "in a few years..." but now we are getting ready knowing that it could be THIS year and that things have to change for us to be fully ready. Practically we have to get a larger vehicle, and a larger paycheck...as well as health insurance, life insurance, savings and a will. We are now working diligently to trust God for these things in the right time. There are other things that we have thought out that we might like to work towards now that we know what is required. We have a list. Of course we do...I make lists for EVERYTHING.
Spiritually, I feel God calling me to new levels of maturity and capability. Normally that would make me think He is trying to prepare me for some really difficult times. But I am starting to see God differently and now I just think I need to grow up in order to truly care for these mustard seeds..and the only way to do that is to take head to the things He is pricking my heart about. Yes Lord, I hear you. Yes, I feel that down deep. Yes, I know that needs to change. Mmmhmm I realize that is not going to be easy. I need to give that up? Okay. Thankfully the year that He brought us through of having nothing...hardly ANY food in the pantry and fridge...no hope of paying more than rent for the month...no job for Ronnie looking promising...I now fully trust him. Isn't it strange that I would need something SO drastic to make me REALLY see how good He is. How faithful He is. (You can read my note on FB called "God's faithfulness" to get a small picture of that season and all the ways He showed me he cared.) Well it was a hard year for sure...but I will never be able to fully articulate all that God did in my heart through that season. I thought I DID trust Him...but it was tinged with doubt and the thought of "earning" His faithfulness....not AT ALL who our God really is. And He showed me. He didn't have to...but He did...and I think that alone changed everything for me. So now I trust Him. I trust you, Lord! And now I see how much easier it is to walk into the NEXT season when I can fully trust and say "I KNOW my God is good". He is good. So giving things up and stepping out into areas of obedience seems exhilarating now. Still a little scary...but the kind of scary right before you do something new and awesome for the first time. Not the kind of scary when you don't know Who's hands REALLY hold you. I know. And so I WILL.
I'm not exactly sure WHAT I will. But I will. =) For two weeks now random things have been pricking my heart and I am starting to see the big picture of how God is molding and changing me. It has to do with my kids and my home. About being intentional with my children and family and time. And about not letting my hands get idle. (Proverbs 31:27) There has been this recurring theme of Proverbs 31:27 popping up all over my life. In blogs I read, in people's status, in quotes that catch my eye. Even in my dreams. I hear You, Lord.
Where do I put my time? Some of it I waste...I admit it. On being tired, on FB, on fiction books. But most of it is spent wisely. Mops, church, worship team, gym, prayer, Bible study...But still I feel God calling me to prune my time. To make every moment intentional. To really make this short season of my babies being babies, worth. every. second. Not to wish it away so that I can sleep or stay in shape or find my "calling". When you become a mom, THAT is your calling...and I truly believe there is NONE greater. Yep, I must give up every ounce of selfishness in me. YUCK. I'm realizing those ounces are more like hundreds of POUNDS! But God has called me to shepherd these little sheep...not survive until bedtime every night. THRIVE until bedtime every night. Teach them, love them, PLAY with them. Have a messy house if it means we spent all day discovering the joys of picnics and mud and a donkey that talked. This is intimidating for me. I am not naturally a teacher. I have a hard time coming up with ideas and activities that promote learning. I can't STAND a messy house. I say yes and commit to things before I think them through. But now I have to start pruning that part of me.
Stretching out my tent-so to speak. Widening my shoulders. Getting ready for ALL that God has called us to. It is so easy to be un-happy in the season I am in. To wish for sleep and plenty of gym time. To dream of the day I can pay attention in church, or actually pray in prayer. But I'm a mommy right now. I will be forever I guess, but NOW they soak up everything I say and do...or DON'T do. Right now they need me for everything. One day they wont. I want to pour into them with INTENT. I want to use this time wisely.
Again, I'm not sure exactly what this means. How it will come to pass practically. But I am praying it through and listening to that voice. Starting to weigh everything on my "plate" by the scale He is holding me to right now. What do I give up and what do I take on?
I'm ready Lord.
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